For many Ghanaians, attending church is a spiritual necessity. But let’s be honest—navigating the world of church donations is an art form in itself.
From the endless special offerings to the cleverly worded fundraising appeals, sometimes it feels less like giving from the heart and more like a tax collection agency in disguise.
If you’ve ever found yourself plotting an escape from multiple offerings in one service, this guide is for you.
When Offerings Feel Like Taxes
At some point during the service, the time comes for ‘giving unto the Lord.’ But it’s never just one offering.
First, there’s the regular offering. Then comes the thanksgiving offering.
Next, the building fund, the welfare fund, the pastor’s appreciation fund, and, of course, the special seed offering.
By the time the church is done collecting, you’re left wondering if you unknowingly signed up for a spiritual payroll deduction.
The pressure is real. The ushers stare expectantly. The pastor reminds the congregation that ‘God loves a cheerful giver.’
And if that’s not enough, there’s always that one church elder who side-eyes anyone sitting suspiciously still during collection time. It’s not just about giving—it’s about being seen giving.
The Accidental Wallet Amnesia
One of the oldest tricks in the book? The strategic ‘accidental’ wallet forgetfulness. It works best when executed with confidence.
Step 1: Pat your pocket or rummage through your bag dramatically.
Step 2: Whisper to your neighbour, “Oh, I forgot my wallet at home.”
Step 3: Nod solemnly as if deeply regretful about missing out on this divine opportunity.
This technique requires careful planning. You must ensure you don’t get caught with your phone in hand, lest someone suggests a mobile money transfer.
And, of course, the execution must be natural—too much acting and you’ll arouse suspicion.
The Strategic Seat Selection
Survival in the church donation economy is all about positioning.
The best seats? Somewhere in the middle, preferably near someone generous who will draw attention away from you when the basket comes around.
Sitting too close to the front means unavoidable eye contact with the pastor, while sitting at the back risks being singled out for a ‘voluntary’ donation speech.
The Invisible Hand Trick
This method requires precision. As the offering basket approaches, you make a slight motion towards your pocket or purse, as if reaching for money.
Then, with expert sleight of hand, your empty palm hovers over the basket before making a subtle ‘drop’ motion. The illusion is complete—everyone thinks you gave, and you walk away financially intact.
The Sudden Prayer Mode
Another classic escape strategy is the deep prayer tactic.
As soon as the offering basket is making rounds, you bow your head, close your eyes, and enter a meditative state of intense communion with God.
The key here is commitment—furrowed brows and soft murmurs add to the authenticity. By the time you ‘resurface,’ the basket has moved on, and you can carry on as if you never noticed it.
Giving Without Guilt
All jokes aside, church donations are meant to support the work of the ministry, and many churches rely on these funds to function.
But when the pressure becomes overwhelming, it’s okay to step back and give within your means. Whether you choose to donate or master the fine art of dodging, remember—the true offering is between you and God.
