- Many long-term couples struggle with the loss of passion that marked the early days of their relationship.
- But instead of chasing perfection, sex therapists recommend embracing “good-enough sex” — a realistic, pleasurable, and emotionally connected approach to intimacy.
- Coined by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy, the term encourages couples to prioritize connection, communication, and comfort over performance.
- Experts say scheduled intimacy, open dialogue, and mental foreplay can reignite desire and deepen satisfaction, especially as couples age and evolve together.
For couples in long-term relationships, the question often arises: “Where did the spark go?” The early days of bold, spontaneous sex can feel like a distant memory — replaced by routine, stress, and unmet expectations.
But sex therapists say the answer isn’t to chase the past. It’s to reframe the future.
Enter “good-enough sex,” a concept developed by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy that’s gaining traction among therapists and couples alike. It’s not about settling — it’s about shifting the goal from perfection to pleasure, from performance to connection.
Dr. Justin Lehmiller of the Kinsey Institute explains that good-enough sex is satisfying, realistic, and emotionally grounded. It doesn’t demand fireworks every time — just mutual enjoyment and intimacy. And that shift in mindset can be transformative.
New York-based therapist Rebecca Sokoll adds that many couples have internalized unrealistic ideas of what “great sex” looks like — often shaped by movies and porn. The result? Pressure, disappointment, and disconnection. Instead, she encourages couples to embrace what real sex looks like: imperfect, evolving, and deeply personal.
One way to make good-enough sex work? Put it on the calendar. Scheduling intimacy doesn’t kill the mood — it creates space for it. Therapist Eva Dillon recommends weekly or biweekly rendezvous, supported by small acts of affection and emotional check-ins. Dr. Rachel Needle suggests setting the scene with candles, music, and a clutter-free bedroom to enhance relaxation and connection.
Communication is key — before, during, and after. Talk about what you want, what feels good, and what you’d love to try next time. Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh even recommends creating a “sexy time menu” to keep things playful and intentional.
And don’t forget the brain. Foreplay starts in the mind, and couples who embrace imagination — through fantasy, erotica, or shared experiences — often find their desire reignited.
As couples age, their bodies change — but that doesn’t mean sex has to fade. Lehmiller notes that adapting to new rhythms and sensations can lead to even deeper satisfaction. The key is creativity, openness, and a willingness to explore.
Ultimately, good-enough sex is whatever you want it to be. It doesn’t have to mean intercourse. It doesn’t have to follow a script. It just has to feel good — for both of you.
So if your sex life feels stuck, don’t mourn what it used to be. Reimagine what it could become. Because when you stop chasing perfect and start embracing present, good enough becomes more than enough — it becomes great.
